I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He felt like a one man threesome
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
