2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You don't make any sense
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