i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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