seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
