Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
