Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
