You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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