while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
