So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
