and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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