I am in a vortex of obligation.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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