i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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