He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
