I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
