When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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