The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
