that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
