Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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