i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
