nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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