Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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