$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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