My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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