i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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