the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
