4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
