ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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