he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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