I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
