She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
