I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
