I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Pooping to opera.
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