It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
