forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
