i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
