you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
