I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
