Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
