I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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