His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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