i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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