M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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