textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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