i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
