Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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