its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
