does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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