i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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