you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
