He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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